Saturday, December 10, 2011

Chapter 2: Starting a Family

I am back and I have some news for you. What's the news, you ask? Well, I am pregnant but you probably guess that from the title. I am now 15 weeks pregnant, and I still can't believe that I am pregnant. It all happened so fast, and if you know me you know that I like to plan everything out. So, when my husband began to talk about starting a family, I suggested that we wait until January 2012 to actually start trying to have a baby. However, my husband had a very different plan and waiting was not part of his plan. So, in September I found out I was pregnant, and I cried ,and cried, and cried because that was not my plan and because I haven't accomplished the goals I wanted to accomplish before I started a family. On the upside, my family, his family, and our friends were so happy for us. And when Lee found out that I was pregnant, he wanted to tell the whole world because he was so happy, and that made me happy.

Now that I am progressing through my pregnancy, I have began watching TV shows like, "A Baby Story", "16 and Pregnant", and "Teen Mom". And what I have seen is that every pregnancy is very different, but I already knew that. I have also seen that many of the teen moms have to put their dreams on hold in order to be a mom, and that is what I don't want to happen to me. I have so big dreams, and it seems like they are being put on the back burner because of life. But then I remember what God's word tell me, I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me, and I regain my focus. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that the Lord has blessed me and allowed me to even get pregnant, because their are so many women out there that  cannot get pregnant. But these dreams and desires were given to me by God too, and He gave me these dreams and desires long before I ever thought about marriage and family.

Well, so far these are some of my frustration and concerns about being pregnant and becoming a mother. I will keep you all updated on my progress, and if you have any advise please chime in. Until we meet again.....

Sunday, November 20, 2011

You vs Me: Why Do We Compare Ourselves With Others?

Long time no hear from: I know that is what everyone has been thinking. Well, I have been a little busy with life and I know everyone can atest to that. But lately I have been finding myself comparing myself to my friends, and to other people that have what I think I want. So, some might ask how did this feeling coming about? The feeling came about after I began to see the plans I had for my life just go out of the window and I began to see other people living their dreams. I began to feel like a failure, like I have let my mother and my family down. Well, some might ask what were your plans for your life?  Well, I think I should start at the beginning of how my plans for my life came about.

At the age of 13 or 14 I began to look around me and I began to tell myself that I did not want to be like my mother, and that I wanted to show the people in Mississippi that you could do more than just work in a factory or at Wal-Mart. So, my plan was always to become finically stable, to ensure that my child or children have better than I did. I did not know how I was going to do that, but I always knew that my mind would take me far. So, I ended up graduating from undergrad with a BS in Biology an I went on to Life University to study Chiropractic. I meet so many different people and I was not sure what I wanted to do; do I want to work for someone or do I want my own clinic. When I began to hear that you will never make the kind of money that you are worth working for someone, that was something that was told to me by my mother but I believe that was a message send by God. I graduated from chiropractic school with my DC degree and hope. The next challenge that I faced were my boards. while all my classmates passed their board exams successfully and become licensed chiropractic I was just stuck. In the meantime, I have gotten a married and now I am 12 weeks pregnant with my first child, but still no licenses and I feel like my plans are slipping away.My plan was to always have my business first and then focus on my family, but it seems to be going into the opposite direction. And now I have begun looking at other people and I have started comparing my life to their lives. I know that I am very blessed and that the Lord is continuing to increase me, but I just wonder if I will ever accomplish the dreams that I dreamed when I was a young girl. I continue to remind myself that my journey is my journey and that the Lord has a plan for me, but I just sometime wonder when will I pass all of my board exams, open my clinic, fulfill my dreams.

If you feel the same way or if you have some advise for me chime in, as I wold love to hear what you all have to say.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hurry Up And Get There

Hey guys, I am back and I have more topics to discuss. If you have been following me you know that I recently got married. That was a very special day and a very proud day for so many people, and I am so happy that I married the man that I married. Even though I am happy to be a wife, as I never thought that I would get married; I constantly find myself thinking about the days when I was single, the days when I only had to worry about Jeanine, the days when I had all the time in the world to just do me and I remember how I really did not enjoy that time period in my life. Now that I am married, I have so little time to do the things that I enjoyed when I was single and I began to wonder why was I rushing to get here? Why didn't I enjoy those days when I could just lay in bed and not worry about someone saying anything? Why didn't I enjoy the days when I would take myself on a date? Why? I have no answer for the questions, but what I have learned is that those days were needed to ensure that I was prepared for the next phase of my life.

My single time was a period of my life when I was to learn more about me, to learn about what makes me me; and I should have really enjoyed that period of my life. This world is telling us that we have to hurry up and get there, hurry up and grow up, hurry up and become rich, hurry up. However, we need every season because every season teaches us and prepares us for the next season of our life. Please don't get me wrong; I am very happy that I am married and that I found my lover and friend for life but I realized that my single period was a period that I need and  I should have enjoyed more. When I was younger I always told myself that I did not want to have regrets, but guess what I have regrets. I regret not enjoying my single period, I regret not networking with more people, I regret not taking my board exams earlier, I regret. And having regrets does not feel good.

So, my advice to anyone out there who thinks they are running out of time to accomplish something, to find that special someone, to get married, to have babies, to do whatever; I would like to tell you that time is in God's hand so if your His child time is not running out. Please enjoy whatever period of your life you are currently in because it is a time period that God wants to use to teach you, to show you more of His purpose for you, to grow you up more, to prepare you for the next chapter in your life and if you don't enjoy it you might miss out on what God is trying to get to you.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

What's Behind Your Music?

Have you were watched Behind the Music on VH1? Well, the show actually discusses different music superstars. It shows what that superstar went through while producing wonderful music. Some of the people were molested as a child, on drugs while creating good music, or something horrible was happening to them while they were on the rise to stardom. So, I began to think about my life and how I am on my own journey to achieve my goals and dreams. I also felt like if those superstars could go through what they went through and they still made it, then I should be able to do it to. But I also realized that each person, at some point in time, came to grips with their demons and decided to let it go and move forward. Some of them changed for the better and some of them remained in the same place, but they all came to grips with their demons. By coming to grips with the things that they were ashamed of they were free to forgive themselves or others, but it also opened up their hearts to receive what the world has to offer them.

So, I began to think about what is behind my music (journey)? What demons am I holding on to because I am ashamed or because I just feel like I have to hold on to them? And there is one big demon (stronghold) that I have been holding on too, one demon that has been causing me to question if I deserve what God has in store for me and my family. So, what's behind my music is the fact that I had an abortion 3 years ago. Some might say why did I do that and other might understand, but the reality of it all is that I made the choice to abort a pregnant because I did not feel that I was ready for a child. During that time me and my boyfriend, now husband, where fighting all the time and I thought that we were going to break up. How could I have a baby with someone that might not be in my life forever? I am a product of a single parent family, and it was hard growing up with just a mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother because she raised me and took care of me. But I have always missed that father daughter connection. I have always felt like I wasn't good enough because my daddy did not want me and I did not a child of mine to ever feel like that. So, me and Lee talked bout it and we both decided that the best thing for us to do would be to have an abortion.

I now think about how would the child like, how would the child act, or how would it be just to have a child? I haven't forgiven myself for doing that yet, so I would have to advise anyone who is thinking about having an abortion to just make sure that you can handle it mentally. I know that I am not a bad person, and that God has forgiven me, but I have not forgiven me. Why couldn't I just man up and have the baby? The bible says that if you sow to the flesh you will reap destruction, well, it's true. I didn't want the responsibility of raising a child so I got an abortion; which felt like the right thing to do to my flesh, but now I think about the what ifs and that is not a good feeling.

Like I stated earlier, I know that the Lord has forgiven because I asked Him for His forgiveness. But now I need to forgive myself, because I am not able to receive all that the Lord has for me if I continue to beat myself up about having an abortion. I made the decision, I went through with it, I have prayed for forgiveness, but now I have to let it go, grow and learn from it, and continue to move forward.

So, now I ask you-What's Behind Your Music?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Act of Being Engaged: Day 6

The count down to my big day continues. On Day 6 I just really tied up some loose ends. I got all of my make-up and I picked up my items from Things Remembered.  it took me almost an hour and a half to pick out make-up. Oh my God, I am so not a girly-girl. I remember in college how I was able to just pick out stuff like that and not be worried about how it will look. I am actually worried about how I am going to look with make-up on. Am I going to look natural, as that is the look I am going for, or will I look like a clown.

 I am still not as excited as I thought I would be, and people keep asking me if I am excited or nervous. Should I be nervous, and how excited should I be? Being that I have never done this before how excited should I be is the question that I am seeking an answer to. Am I weird because I am just like whatever about the whole thing? Don't get me wrong I love Lee, and he makes me want to be better and do better; I just  don't get why I should be nervous.

Well, let's see what happens in the days to come. I am very blessed to have someone that loves me so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with me. Until next time, I'll holla.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Living A Positive Life: The Act of Being Engaged: Day 8

Living A Positive Life: The Act of Being Engaged: Day 8: "Day 8 was an interesting day. Another one of my coworkers found out that I am getting married, and she was very surprised. This coworker is ..."

The Act of Being Engaged: Day 8

Day 8 was an interesting day. Another one of my coworkers found out that I am getting married, and she was very surprised. This coworker is a lady that is from the old school, so the next comment she made to me was; "I believe in  death do us part so if I get you a wedding gift I don't want you to return it to me." I started laughing, and then she told me that I better learn how to cook for that man. Then I told her that my mother was no longer living, so I will not be able to get her recipes. I then told her that I can get the recipes from my cousin. She then told me that I better get on that.

Then on my way home I was listening to Jamie Fox's song, I Wish You Were Here. I then started to think about all of the things my mother has missed: my graduation from chiropractic school, my graduation from Joseph Business School, and now my wedding ceremony. I then got sad because I realized that she has missed and will miss every important part of my adult life. Maybe that is way I am not that excited about this milestone because me very best friend will not be here to see it. I miss her so much, that sometimes I think that I just don't do stuff because I miss her. I really do miss her and I really wish she was here.

That was day 8, so let me know what you think. Until next time, I am out.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Act of Being Engaged: Day 9

I didn't take the watch from my co-worker because it didn't fit around my wrist. So, at Day 9 I am still looking for something borrowed and new. I am also amazed that someone wants to marry me. I think that it is awesome and amazing that God made me for Lee and Lee for me. You know that old saying, that there is someone for everyone, well that statement is true. Because there is someone for us all; we just have to be patient. We also have to learn how to truly love ourselves.  God loves both of us (Lee and myself) so much that He made us for each other. As the day gets closer, I am realizing that I will soon be a wife. I will soon have a partner for life.

But as nice as that sounds, I am wondering if it is normal to be scared? Let me hear what you have to say as I continue to count down to the big day.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Act of Being Engaged: Day 11

Well, I have 11 more days to go until I am Dr. Jeanine Smith. And you guys might want to know am I getting cold feet yet, and the answer is no. I am getting excited. So, what happened on day 11? Well, some of my coworkers were trying to give me ideas on what I can get for something borrowed and something new. Some of the suggestions that were given to me were a watch and some earrings, but I have a watch and earrings. So, I showed my coworkers my watch, and they all felt that I needed a fancier watch. So, they decided to bring in their watches so I could pick form them and borrow it. Isn't that nice. My coworkers care that much about me that they want me to wear their watch.

I feel so special and loved, some of my own family members don't care that much. Even if I don't pick one of the watches they show me, I am so thankful to have coworkers like them. Well, continue to follow me on the count down to my big day. See if I actually use the watch or not. See you tomorrow.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Living A Positive Life: The Act Of Being Engaged: The Count Down To The We...

Living A Positive Life: The Act Of Being Engaged: The Count Down To The We...: "Well, as you can tell from the title of this post I am now counting down the days of my engagement; 12 more days until I am Dr. Jeanine Smit..."

The Act Of Being Engaged: The Count Down To The Wedding Day (12 Days and Counting)

Well, as you can tell from the title of this post I am now counting down the days of my engagement; 12 more days until I am Dr. Jeanine Smith.  During the period of my engagement I have learned a lot about myself, my husband-to-be, and marriage as a whole. This period has been stressful, but I have so enjoyed the courtship period (the boyfriend and girlfriend stage); but I must say I am looking forward to our next phase. I won't go into a long drawn out lesson of how I was feeling, how he was feeling, or how others around us felt; but I will say that communication is indeed to most important part of any relationship. Out of everything that I have experienced during this phase of my life, (sex or no sex, spending time or not, making dinner for him or not, etc.) communication was and will continue to be the top priority of the relationship. Without steady communication all the other elements of the relationship will fall to the wayside.

So, I would like to just updated you on what I have accomplished concerning the details of our upcoming big day. If you all don't know, Lee and I will be getting married on June 24, 2011 at 12:30pm. The ceremony will be small and intimate, nevertheless planning it was still a little stressful. Anyway, I have my dress, shoes, jewelry, hair accessories, the cake, the restaurant venue, his suit, his shoes, his wedding gift, the favors, and the place where the ceremony will take place. I also have our wine glasses and cake cutter and server. So, I have done a lot in a short time. But I still need make-up, whitening stripes for my teeth, some sexy sleepwear, and my nails need to be done. I have my something old, and blue. I don't have something borrowed or new yet. We also have our rings and they are so beautiful.

So, please join me on my count down to Jeanine and Lee's Big Day. The theme of our day is "Two Becoming One." And I believe that it is a fitting theme, because God designed us the become on with our mates. However, we must allow the transition to take place through God being the head and communicating with each other. Let's count down together. So, if you have any advise or last minute suggestions please let me know. The count down has began-12 days to go.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Being Ashamed And Why We Must Learn How To Let It Go: Part 2

The last we met I was discussing some of the things that I feel ashamed about and why I am learning to let it go, forgive myself, and move forward. During my daily readings of God's word, I am realizing that shame is a tool of the enemy to cause people to remain stuck in a situation that is causing the person to feel hopeless. The enemy does not want any of us to realize who we are or the purpose that God has for our lives. And that is what I believe has kept me in the situation that I am in. Let me be clear, the Lord has blessed me and protected for a lot of issues that could have occurred. But the situation that I am in now is not the best that God has for me, and I am not walking in my calling or purpose that God has for me. So, with all that being stated the next topic of discussion is my house. I don't really like to have company over because I feel that my house is not as presentable as it should be. I grew up in a house that was always presentable and decorated so nicely, but it was simple. I grew up with a mother who was a very clean person, therefore, her house was very clean. She worked very hard to make sure that her home was a home and that it was always presentable. So, I feel that I have some big shoes to fill and I don't think that I am half way filling them. My house is not dirty or messes, but I just feel like it could look better. But I am not sure how to get it to look like the way I think it should look.

So, someone might ask, how do I think it should like? That is a good question, and I would have to say that I think it should look homey and comfortable. The home should be a place of clam and peace, a place where you can go to get away from the rough world and just be. My house is homey, and it can be comfortable at times, but as far as that other factors, I believe that I don't have it down pack yet. So, let me be a little more transparent. My house has a lot of clutter in it because I don't have a lot of space. I have a lot of books and clothes and stuff. I need a new bed because the one that I currently have is just about to give out, but on a good note I have a bed and I have a roof over my head. Some people don't even have a place to lay their heads at night. Like I stated earlier, the situation that I am in is just not God's best for me.

So, shame has crept into my life and that shame has caused me to isolate myself from people that love and care about me. But God's word says that the last shall be the first, and that I am the head and not the tail. So, I know that the situation that I am in is an opportunity for me to learn and grow, and allow God to prepare me for my calling and His best. How can I take care of a bigger house if I can't take care of the current house that I have now. So, I must forgive myself for falling short in some areas concerning my house and learn how to be grateful for what God has given me thus far. Being grateful is the way you can ensure that shame does not come into your life, and it will open up your heart to receive more.

So, with all that being stated, I have realized that my house is my house and it is only as comfortable as I make it. Yeah, I can make some improvements on it, and give some stuff away; but at the end of the day this is the house that the Lord has blessed me with and I is my job to watch over it in the best way that I can. So, I am learning to just let it go, be grateful, stay prayerful, and God will  do the rest. Because the best is yet to come. I hope this has inspired you to just let whatever may be causing you shame go; just let it go. Because being ashamed causes you to miss out on the best that God has for you. Let me know what you think or what has caused you shame; together we can make a change and cause a change.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Being Ashamed and Why We Must Learn How to Let it Go

I am back, as it has been a long time since I last updated my site, but I am back with more live lessons that I have learned and I am ready to share them with the world. So, lets get right into my new topic, Being ashamed. I have found myself being ashamed of numerous amount of things in my life, and I also learned that because of this shame I am holding myself back from achieving so many things. It might have something to with fear. I think that if people found out about some of my issues that they might not want to associate with me anymore. I am also think that I am not worthy of the blessings that God has for me because of these issues. However, as I study the word of God, I am beginning to understand where this fear (the shame) comes from, and why I must just let it go.

I am engaged to be married, and if any of you have ever planned a wedding, or anything resembling a wedding, then you know just how stressful it can be and how expensive it can be. So, it has been extremely challenging for me and my hubby-to-be to make ends meet; but even before we got engaged we struggled financially. God's word says that I am rich, and that I am the head and not the tail; but in the natural I am in debt and I can barley paid for gas and food. Because I can barley paid for some of the basics I am ashamed and then I don't feel worthy of the blessings that God has promised me. I have never shared this with anyone; because I have wrote it out plainly, I can see how I am allowing the devil to stop me from moving forward. Also, the above statement is freeing because I can now began to forgive myself, as God has already forgiven because I have already asked forgiveness in Jesus name. But I have not been able to forgive myself and that is why the devil keeps on bringing it up and shame keeps coming into my life. That shame has stopped me from doing what the Lord has called me to do. God's word says that I am the head and not the tail, I am above only and not beneath, I am rich because Jesus became poor. The Lord also promised that He is able to provide for me, which will enable me to support myself (2 Corinthians 9:8); stated in my own wording but I advise everyone to read it. The shame that the enemy is putting on me is causing my faith to shrink, and that is what the devil wants. Without faith, I can not do anything and the Lord can't bless me and then I will be stuck in my situation. However, this is not the purpose that God has for me, and because I am studying the word of God, my spirit keeps reminding me of that, but my spirit is also telling me to let it go, forgive myself, and learn from my mistakes and grow stronger, and continue to move forward. I have to stop looking back to over analyzing my past mistakes; which continues to cause me to feel sad and shame.

So, I am telling you all this because we all go through stuff like this and even the strongest person we know has a weak moment. But we all must study to show ourselves improved, because that it the only way that the word is going to get into our hearts to grow fruit. The promises of God are real and true, and He desires us all to live the life that He has called us to live. We can't continue to allow shame to come into our lives and cause us to stop moving forward. Let's learn together how to let it go, to forgive our self. Because we all fall down sometimes, but we can get back up In Jesus Name. Please remember that you are not the only person who has problems, we all have issues, but the different between the winners and the losers is that the losers quit and the winners keep moving in spite of failures (they learn from their failures).

So, in closing I pray that we all receive Gods forgiveness and that we all truly forgive ourselves for past failures, learn from them, and continue to move forward. In Jesus, we will no longer be ashamed of those past failures or short comings, but we will allow them to teach us. No more shame, in Jesus Name, Amen.

Follow me on my journey of forgiveness and let me know what you think. Until next stay encouraged.