Sunday, July 31, 2011

What's Behind Your Music?

Have you were watched Behind the Music on VH1? Well, the show actually discusses different music superstars. It shows what that superstar went through while producing wonderful music. Some of the people were molested as a child, on drugs while creating good music, or something horrible was happening to them while they were on the rise to stardom. So, I began to think about my life and how I am on my own journey to achieve my goals and dreams. I also felt like if those superstars could go through what they went through and they still made it, then I should be able to do it to. But I also realized that each person, at some point in time, came to grips with their demons and decided to let it go and move forward. Some of them changed for the better and some of them remained in the same place, but they all came to grips with their demons. By coming to grips with the things that they were ashamed of they were free to forgive themselves or others, but it also opened up their hearts to receive what the world has to offer them.

So, I began to think about what is behind my music (journey)? What demons am I holding on to because I am ashamed or because I just feel like I have to hold on to them? And there is one big demon (stronghold) that I have been holding on too, one demon that has been causing me to question if I deserve what God has in store for me and my family. So, what's behind my music is the fact that I had an abortion 3 years ago. Some might say why did I do that and other might understand, but the reality of it all is that I made the choice to abort a pregnant because I did not feel that I was ready for a child. During that time me and my boyfriend, now husband, where fighting all the time and I thought that we were going to break up. How could I have a baby with someone that might not be in my life forever? I am a product of a single parent family, and it was hard growing up with just a mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother because she raised me and took care of me. But I have always missed that father daughter connection. I have always felt like I wasn't good enough because my daddy did not want me and I did not a child of mine to ever feel like that. So, me and Lee talked bout it and we both decided that the best thing for us to do would be to have an abortion.

I now think about how would the child like, how would the child act, or how would it be just to have a child? I haven't forgiven myself for doing that yet, so I would have to advise anyone who is thinking about having an abortion to just make sure that you can handle it mentally. I know that I am not a bad person, and that God has forgiven me, but I have not forgiven me. Why couldn't I just man up and have the baby? The bible says that if you sow to the flesh you will reap destruction, well, it's true. I didn't want the responsibility of raising a child so I got an abortion; which felt like the right thing to do to my flesh, but now I think about the what ifs and that is not a good feeling.

Like I stated earlier, I know that the Lord has forgiven because I asked Him for His forgiveness. But now I need to forgive myself, because I am not able to receive all that the Lord has for me if I continue to beat myself up about having an abortion. I made the decision, I went through with it, I have prayed for forgiveness, but now I have to let it go, grow and learn from it, and continue to move forward.

So, now I ask you-What's Behind Your Music?