Grieving

The grieving process is something that never stops. It might get easier, but the process never stops. How do I know one may ask? Well, I am still grieving the death of my mother. Evia D. Spight died in 2004; week before her 61st birthday, and I am still going through the grieving process. I thought by now I would be done grieving, but it wasn't until I had my son that I realized that the process never stops. I find myself going through different phases of grief. And the phase that I am currently in now is anger. I am very angry with my mother for not fighting harder to live.

The definition of grief is a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; it is a cause  of such suffering; or an unfortunate outcome. And believe me when I say I feel the definition of grief almost everyday, now. The first few weeks were very hard, but as time went on the pain of losing my mother eased some. But when I got married and my family, including my mother, was not there to see it hurt me and I was sad again and wondering why did my mother, my best friend have to died before she got to see me get married. Then the pain of her death arose again when I got pregnant, and again when I had my son, and again every time I look at my son.

I am not in the sad phase at this time, I am angry with her because she just gave up. Medically, I understood what was going on with her body and I was amazed at what she was going through because at that time I was learning about cancer and the damage it can cause to the patient's body. But at the same time I was hoping that she would be okay and that she would fight harder to stay around, but she had enough of this world and gave up. And now I am here 8 years later still struggling to understand why, and still trying to make it from day to day without talking to my best friend. There are so many things that I want to say to her, and I wish that she could have been there when I got married, found out I was pregnant, and had my first child. I wish she could have gotten the chance to meet her grandson Lee, and her son-in-law Lee. But she didn't get the chance to do any of it and that makes me so mad.

The reason for this blog is not to just share my story, but to also let you know that you are normal if you are still grieving someone or something. And to let you know that it is okay to feel those emotions. The one thing that I have learned through pray and attending church is that your emotions are ever changing and that you should not react to every emotion because chances are it will change soon. I have also learned that joy really comes in the morning, so just be patient because it really is a never ending process. Feel the emotion and let it go, and know that it is okay to have those feelings just know that they are ever changing. If you have a similar story please share. Until next time....